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December 10, 2006

Sorry, that last hand nearly killed me.

Just saw the new Bond and it's so good! A welcome distraction from all the madness that has sprung up this December.

casino_royale.jpg

Been on a big, escapist, Netflix-fueled Bond kick. Tis the season, I suppose. Fleming once said he wrote the Bond novels to help him with his own insecurities and raw nerves.

Eh.

So, I've suddenly found that a very close relative of mine has cancer. She goes in for surgery just after Christmas. It's undetermined as of yet how far the cancer has spread, although it hasn't reached her vascular system, which is good. Dunno why I'm writing this here, other than to awkwardly and publicly give voice to my frustrations and fears. Yeah, I'm afraid. I know she'll be alright. I've seen two of my friends go through cancer. One didn't make it. So it's scary. But my lady is a tough old bird and she's gonna be fine. It's not her time yet.

Have you ever talked to someone 80+ about death? I don't think I have ever opened the subject up with any of my older family without the strained, blanketed fears and all the little denials or false comforts. Well, that's a really powerful talk. We had a short talk like that last week after we went together to her doctor's appointment. I had a difficult time not breaking. She views life and death as analogous to a garden, with it's brutal cycles and chance beauty, which to me, although I don't entirely accept the perspective, is a simple and brave way of looking at it - no gods or after-worlds or revelation - when you're gone, you're simply gone.

Anyway, during this conversation (which was surprisingly direct, and maybe less sweet than bitter), it became clear to both of us, following the garden metaphor, that dying things leave seeds, of course. She said to me that some seeds grow better than others, and some stay in the ground a while. I think she was trying to tell me not to be afraid.

Can a post be more f'd than this? From 007 to mortality and existential dread. Christ. Just rolling the dice here. I'm gone before the EMO escalates.

DANA

posted by dana at December 10, 2006 12:27 AM

comments

so sorry to read about this, duder. it's always the sort of thing for which you can never be quite ready. she sounds like a very wise Lady. I find the garden metaphor quite nice, actually... perhaps not overtly comforting to most people, but still lovely in its own right. lots and lots of good thoughts--and strength--to both of you.

posted by: nicole [TypeKey Profile Page] at December 13, 2006 11:09 PM

thank you for the good thoughts...

posted by: Dana [TypeKey Profile Page] at December 14, 2006 03:30 PM

hey dana.
i have had someone close to me have cancer at an elderly age. he lived thru it and is fine now...but at the time it was of course scary. the age of the patient doesn't make it any different...it's still CANCER. you know? it's even a frightening word.

but the fact is that cancer isn't always a death sentence.

it's still hard to look at life and know we're all going to die tho. i'm sorry my friend. let her know people are praying for not only her, but you and your family. keep your chin up. =)

posted by: cant_army [TypeKey Profile Page] at December 16, 2006 03:09 AM

p.s. why does it seem that murphy's law applies mostly to the time between thanksgiving and xmas? or do we just make mountains out of mole hills during the holidays? =\

posted by: cant_army [TypeKey Profile Page] at December 16, 2006 04:40 AM


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